Checking In Before We Checkout 

So often we find ourselves reacting to situations in a way we know we will regret. Maybe we are raising our voices, calling another person names, or our defenses are coming up a little too quick. While there may be deeper reasons for these reactions which are worth exploring in therapy, it is also possible that other factors are at play. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself before reacting in a situation that may help you prevent yourself from engaging in ways that you’ll likely regret later. 

Am I Overstimulated?

Overstimulation occurs when someone feels overwhelmed by the sensory input in their environment. This can be triggered by a mix of sounds, touch, taste, sight, smell, and loud noises. Common causes of overstimulation can include extended exposure to bright lights, specific sounds, strong odors, certain textures or materials, and crowded spaces, all of which can lead to sensory overload. Essentially, when our senses are taking on too much input, we can get overwhelmed in a way that not only can impact us physically, but that can impact us emotionally as well. 

It would be difficult for most people to engage in a calm and mature conversation if they're hot, their clothes feel itchy and their dog keeps scratching at their legs. When we want to remain calm and collected during important interactions it is essential to observe if you are experiencing any sensory overload. The feelings that can come from overstimulation like frustration, irritability, desperation, and distractibility interfere with our ability to remain sane and goal oriented. These emotions may not only block our ability to communicate effectively, but they may cause us to project these feelings of discomfort and overwhelm onto the person trying to engage with us. 

Next time you’re going to have an important conversation or confrontation, it’s a good idea to check in with each of your five senses to see if any of them feel overwhelmed. If they do, find things that can help you to feel relief from this feeling. That might mean taking a moment to change your clothes, needing to buy a pair of noise canceling headphones, or simply lowering the lights in your home. For such an easy change, you might find significant improvement in your ability to remain present and calm during your interactions. 

Are Other Factors at Play Right Now?

Our bodies and emotions have so much power over how impulsive, reactive, or defensive we are. There are some powerful factors that we should check in with before we check out emotionally or physically from the situations or people we are with. One easy way to do this is to remember that acronym HALT. 

Are you Hungry? If our bodies are malnourished or dehydrated we are not capable of thinking and behaving as logically as we might want to. We all know what it’s like to be hangry or to be around someone suffering from hanger as well. If we know that our behaviors change as a result of this, it’s a good idea to check in with this factor before we engage with others. 

Are you Angry? Sometimes we are angry or upset about something that has nothing to do with the situation we are in or the people we are with. However, that doesn’t change that our blood is boiling and our defenses may be extra engaged. We want to be careful to not project our frustrations and anger onto people we love and care about. Other times we are simply angry at the people around us. If we know this anger is present and intense, it might also not be a good time to try and have a productive conversation. We’ve all had experiences where we let anger rule the conversation and I’m sure most of us can’t look back at those moments and feel proud of ourselves and our behaviors. It’s okay to need space and time to calm down before engaging with others. Anger also prevents you from being able to listen. And if we can't listen, there’s little we can resolve. 

Are you Lonely? Sometimes we get riled up and frustrated because deep down we feel lonely. In our busy, technology based lives, it’s easy to not get enough physical touch or loving attention. In fact, we usually wildly underestimate how much touch we need. Research shows that we actually need at least four hugs a day to limit depressive feelings, eight hugs a day to help us feel mentally stable, and twelve hugs a day to prosper and grow psychologically. Before engaging in a confrontation, try filling up your daily hug allowance to see if loneliness is an avoidable factor. You might also need to work on filling your day with positive human interactions and developing a loving and caring support system to work proactively to avoid loneliness. 

Are you Tired? What good comes out of trying to have an interaction that we are simply too tired to have?  It is okay to ask to have a conversation at a different time when you feel more ready for it. When we are tired we are less patient, more irritable, and a lot more likely to react in a way that makes the conversation end quickly rather than end productively. Take time to rest or get a night’s sleep if you know that it could be the difference in showing up ready to work for a solution rather than ready to fight. 

Am I Capable of Having This Interaction?

We have not all been taught effective communication skills. If you notice that no matter how you try to express yourself it always ends up going poorly, it’s possible that there are better skills for you to use. Check in with yourself to make sure you are prepared to listen, validate, empathize, express yourself honestly, and work towards your goals. 

Part of being capable of communicating also means checking in to see if you know what you want to say, what you are trying to get out of this interaction, how you want to make the other person feel, how you feel, and what you are working toward. If you don’t yet know the answers to these prompts it may be worth figuring it out before you react to or instigate a confrontation with another person. This also ensures that you have the best chance at being able to achieve your goals for your relationship with this person or the situation. 

It's Worth Checking In

Of course this can be a lot to ask yourself in the moment of a conversation or interaction. These are skills or questions you may not be used to asking yourself. One way to develop this skill is to practice it in writing for conversations that you can prepare for. The more we practice it, the more easily and naturally this will come to us in the moment when we need it. If you’re ever doubting if this is worth it, just imagine what it would be like for others to check in with themselves before they react to you. You deserve to get what you need out of your interactions with others and they deserve the best version of you.