Helpful Things I Said to Clients This Week and Why

Each week I say a lot of things to my clients that I feel may be helpful to share with others outside of my session room. The reason that these statements come up so often is because many of us are stuck in very similar maladaptive patterns of thinking. Even though we all present slightly differently, the core of many of our experiences is quite the same. While these may not all be applicable to you right now, they are still important thinking points for many of us to reflect on. And at the very least, maybe you know someone who needs to hear this too. 

“Has being mean to yourself ever worked?”

Constantly individuals are shaming themselves for having emotions, for struggling with applying new skills, or for thinking and feeling things that they would rather not feel. And while it is so valid to be frustrated with our progress, saddened by how much more it feels like we need to do, or overwhelmed by our feelings, being angry at ourselves has never fixed any of that. Being mean and angry to ourselves only adds to the negative emotions we are feeling. Why make it worse than it already is? Real progress comes from giving yourself grace, compassion, and understanding, not from the self talk that tells you anything less than that. 

“You didn’t just wake up one day and choose to struggle with…” 

Whether it’s difficulties with emotion regulation, a lack of boundaries with others, or PTSD related triggers, you did not simply wake up in adulthood and choose your struggle. Each one of the hurdles we bring to therapy is based on our past experiences, relationships, and memories. When we forget that our current struggle is based in our past, we fail to give ourselves the empathy we need to heal. Many of these major issues can be tied back to what our parents did or didn’t do when we were children, how we were made to feel and act as a child, and the learned behaviors from the adults around us when we were kiddos. While it is our adult responsibility to identify and manage the symptoms or behaviors that negatively impact us or others, it is usually not all our fault that we are the way we are. Remembering this helps us foster love and acceptance within ourselves, rather than the disgust and disdain that enable our poor behaviors. 

“A relationship is a ship that two people agree to build and sail.”

Individuals often get nervous about telling their partners what they need, what they feel, and what they expect. The problem is that when we fail to express these factors to our partners, we become complicit in the problems that will arise in our relationship or the resentment we will build up over time. In a safe relationship, it will not come as a surprise to your partner that you have feelings, needs, and expectations because they agreed to be in this relationship with you! Just like a ship needs more than one person to build it, so does your relationship. And just like a ship needs more than one person to sail it, your relationship needs two communicative and understanding people to make it float. And finally, just like a ship is meant to go through big waves, your relationship is meant to be strong enough for the ups and downs that come with committing to another individual as well. A partner who willingly agrees to be with you is aware of this too. 

“If you treated me the way you treat yourself, I wouldn’t trust you either.”

Many clients struggle with needing the validation of others rather than feeling satisfied with the validation they get from themselves. This often leads to a level of mistrust that people have with their own identities. While this is frustrating for individuals seeking a better relationship with themselves, it is often these same people that say cruel and hurtful things to themselves the most. Think about if your identity was a baby bird. A baby bird wants to latch on to someone to take care of it as quickly as possible. In this case, your baby bird has two choices, latch on to the caretaker that is mean to it and calls it names, or the caretaker that knows how to sweet talk it and can make it feel safe. When your inner dialogue is mostly negative self talk, you are the much scarier choice for the baby bird (your identity) to latch on to. Of course it’s going to choose the validating words and feelings created by others rather than the aggressive tyrant yelling at it. In order to create trust in yourself, to have the baby bird choose you instead of others, you need to create a nurturing space for it to thrive and grow. Changing your self-talk, increasing your self compassion, and giving yourself grace are key ways to help the baby bird choose you. 

“Did you checkin in with your body?”

Our greatest tool as human beings is our body. Our bodies provide us with so much information about what we need, what we feel, and what we are capable of doing. For example, when we get overwhelmed by the task we have to do, we can ask our body what it feels capable of doing rather than just focusing on our mind. Maybe your body is capable of washing and drying our clothes but it doesn’t have the energy to put it all away. At least by asking our body what it was capable of we learned enough to start a task that we otherwise may have failed to do. Do you ever feel unsure if you should go out and hang with friends today or maybe just stay home instead? What if instead of focusing on the "shoulds" and "shouldn’ts" in our head we ask our body what it has energy for? Maybe it just needs a snack and some water and then you’re good to go. Or maybe it just needs to be alone and rest. Many times our bodies are also the first sign that we are triggered or need to remove ourselves from a space that doesn’t feel safe. Are you starting to feel overwhelmed or stressed around your family but you're not sure how to handle it? Ask your body what it needs and feels and you might find it easier to take a step back, take a few deep breaths, or keep a boundary you otherwise would struggle to keep. 

While this does not encapsulate all the work I do with my clients on a daily basis, it does capture many themes that come up on a day to day. Sometimes it is a simple reminder, a question, or a silly analogy that leads us to a positive change in our way of thinking or even our behavior.