How Your Expectations Are F#@!ing You Over

We all live each day with certain expectations of what to expect from the people around us, what to expect from ourselves, and what to expect from the world. These expectations, when not carefully curated, have the tendency to cause many more negative emotions than necessary in our lives. When we begin to bring awareness to the expectations we have, we open ourselves up to being able to adjust these expectations based on reality, facts, and boundaries we need to keep for ourselves. Together we will explore a few realms of your life where checking in with your expectations may improve your ability to withstand or avoid negative emotions. 

Your Expectations of Others

So much of the time we find ourselves disappointed, angry, and hurt by the people in our lives. While other people are responsible for their own actions, we can all set ourselves up a little better to be more resilient in the face of how others behave. We ultimately do not have any control over how others act. We cannot force others to show up for us in the way we want them to. And we cannot change people that do not want to be changed. What we can do is alter our expectations of other people in order to protect ourselves. 

Some of us may feel constantly frustrated or saddened by the way our families let us down. If this is you, you may want to ask yourself what the expectations you have of your family members are. Do you expect them to be able to prioritize you? Do you expect them to keep their word? Do you expect them to change for the better? While these are expectations that you should be able to have in an ideal world, these expectations may not be reflective of reality. Is it fair to keep expecting them to change when time after time they have not? Is it fair to expect them to consider your feelings first when the past holds no evidence of this aligning with their behavior? While it is okay to hope for these things to be true, when we rely on this hope to inform our expectations we fail to protect our own mental peace. 

Rather than your expectations of others being informed by your hopes for them or their promises to change when they have not in the past, it is safer and more protective for your expectations to be based on reality and facts.

Example: Anna’s mother always makes comments about her body whenever they go shopping together. Anna has expressed her discomfort with this and has requested her mother not make these comments in the future many times in the past. Anna’s mother continued to make these comments during their last shopping trip, although she did apologize after the fact and claimed she would not do it again. Anna is deciding whether or not to allow her mother to come to her wedding dress fitting but wants to make sure no one ruins her time by making comments about her body. While Anna may want to be able to expect her mother to change and refrain from making these comments, the facts of the situation do not support this expectation aligning with reality. In order for Anna to protect her self image and boundaries, she alters her expectations of her mothers behavior and makes her choice knowing that the likelihood is that her mother will make comments about her body. 

By adjusting your expectations to align with the facts and reality of how people have acted and behaved in the past, you allow yourself to make the most informed choices when interacting with other people. Anna can now decide if she wants her mother to come with her knowing that she may either need to mentally prepare herself intentionally for her mother to come, or that she may not allow her mother to come at all so she can avoid the possibility of getting upset on such a special day. 

Questions to ask yourself when examining the expectations you have about others?

1. What has their behavior taught me in the past?

2. Are my expectations informed by hope or reality?

3. Am I expecting people to behave like me?

4. Am I expecting people to be perfect?

Your Expectations of Yourself

The expectations we have of ourselves have the potential to either break down or build up our self esteem. While we are capable of so much as human beings, we are not capable of being perfect at all times. We are also not capable of working at 100% effort at all times in all areas of our lives. As another therapist once said to me, nothing in nature works at 100% all the time, and as a part of nature, we are no exception. 

Many of us are at fault for expecting too much of ourselves. When we make expectations that are way too high, we often are unable to accomplish them and set ourselves up to feel ashamed, unworthy, or broken. It is important that if you find yourself doing this you check in with how your expectations have been formed. Social media has given many people the idea that perfection is real and achievable and that waking up at 5 A.M. everyday, having a perfect morning routine, and keeping our house spotless are all doable for the average person. Not only are these not doable for the average person, they aren’t even doable for the people influencing you to do it. It’s all fake! The same people telling you how to best live your life are also profiting from your views, likes, and purchases. 

Your expectations may also be ill informed by your parents, your friends, or colleagues. Parents often want the best for you and can intentionally or unintentionally push this onto you from a young age. They may very well believe you are capable of all the best things. And while this may be true sometimes, it is not sustainable for anyone all of the time. Your friends or coworkers may also be sharing very edited and curated parts of their lives. Ultimately, ask yourself if it’s ever actually made you feel better to create expectations based on anyone else's lived experiences or preferences. The answer is probably no, so let’s stop doing it. 

Many people struggling with mental health may also create expectations around their healing and progress. Here are some reminders about healing to help you adjust your expectations for yourself:

1. Healing is not linear. You should have ups and downs. 

2. Just because you are getting better does not mean you will not feel negative emotions. All emotions are necessary to being human, that is why we have them. 

3. Healing has no timeline. 

4. You don’t have to want to be better all the time. Your actions to try and be better matter more than how you feel about it. 

5. Some parts of healing will be harder than other parts. It is okay to not be ready to address everything all at once. 

6. Healing isn’t about making everything all better, it’s about making you more capable and resilient to everything that life is. 

Your Expectations of The World

The way you view the world can help shape your expectations. When we view the world in extremes it can have a negative impact on our behaviors and reaction to things going on. If the world is all good, we may be constantly shocked and terrified by the many heartbreaking headlines we see each day. If we expect the world to be all bad, we may feel hopeless and neglect to enjoy the beautiful things that occur to us on a daily basis.

There is no one way to view the world. In fact, this can be a very religious or spiritual matter for some and a very scientific and critical matter for others. Whatever your views, notice how they impact the expectations you have about purpose, good and bad, love, time, and loss. If your expectations around any of these matters are frequently hurting you, it may be a good idea to work on changing these expectations to set you up better for each day. Is there room for more balance within your expectations of the world? Do your expectations align with your values and beliefs? If you’re feeling lost when it comes to these more worldly expectations, it can be helpful to learn from the people you admire, the people who seem most at peace with their place in the world, and the people that bring you hope. 

Don’t Allow Your Expectations to F$#K You Over Anymore

As you can hopefully see by now, the expectations you hold about others, yourself, and the world hold so much power over your experiences and mental well being. For something this powerful, it is important that we try to be more intentional with how it impacts our lives. Your expectations, big and small, help inform how you feel and behave everyday. That seems like something worth adjusting for.