Saying No is Hard and Here’s Why 

While the word “no” is one of the first that we learn, many of us still find it to be one the hardest to say. It’s just one syllable, shouldn’t it be easy? Yes, but the reality is that the word “no” holds much more significance for many of us than we think it does. Fear, awkwardness, and discomfort are just a few feelings that might come up for us around the word “no.” Luckily, the more we explore why it feels so difficult to say, the more inclined we may be to fight the resistance to use it. Here are some reasons why saying “no” might be hard for you:

Fear of rejection or abandonment 

Saying “no” can feel so scary if the consequence you associate with using it is rejection or abandonment. There are many experiences that you may have had during your childhood or adolescence that could inform this association. For example, if when you said “no” to friends about engaging in certain behaviors or activities, you then experienced bullying or isolation. Maybe when you said “no” to your parents as a child, as all children do, love was withdrawn and you were made to feel less cared for. These experiences can drill into us that when we say “no,” the risk of being loved less or of being treated like an outsider are more likely. 

One important way to think of this is to remember that if the people in your life are holding mistreatment or a decrease in love as consequences for saying “no” against you, then they are likely not healthy people to have in your life. People who care about your well being and boundaries might not always love being told “no,” but they will not create consequences for you saying it. 

People pleasing 

If you spend much of your time and energy trying to meet the needs of others at the expense of yourself, then you likely do not say “no” enough. The word “no” is quite literally the hardest thing for a people pleaser to say because it goes against every instinct they may have. It is normal and even healthy to spend some of your time trying to take care of and bring joy to others. If this behavior is significantly taking away from your ability to enjoy your own life then it becomes a problem where “no” is one the best solutions.

It can feel so scary to think that you are letting down the people you care about by saying “no” to their requests. This can be rooted in the belief that you constantly need to prove your worth to others through obliging to their many requests or demands. Maybe it has its roots in the idea that you are responsible for another person's happiness and saying "no" could cause them emotional pain.

The problem is that each time we fail to say “no” when appropriate, we do not allow the people in our lives to prove that these beliefs are untrue. What better way would there be to learn that “no” won’t cause your loved ones to hate you other than by allowing them to prove that their love is unconditional in the face of you saying “no?” How else can we find out that other people's lives won't fall apart if we say "no" if we don't let them show us how resilient they are? We have to give others a chance to show us that these beliefs we hold so tightly are not always true. 

Lack of boundaries

When we fail to set boundaries between ourselves and others, we often set ourselves up to take on more than we can handle. Boundaries can be a really great loophole to avoid having to say “no” quite as often. For instance, if you and your partner already decided in a previous conversation that you are not comfortable staying out at your in-laws overnight, then the likelihood of him asking in the moment and you having to say “no” is significantly decreased. Similarly, if you had a conversation with your friends last week about how you don’t feel comfortable being in environments with alcohol, the chances that they ask you to go to the bar again slim down by quite a lot. 

When we have these important conversations with the people in our lives about our expectations, preferences, or needs, we take so much pressure off saying “no” in the moment. These boundaries may be easier for you to communicate in a calm and relaxed environment than having to say “no” to someone on the spot. 

It’s a skill you haven’t developed yet

Using the word “no” might just not be something that you are used to yet. It may feel incredibly awkward to say or you may struggle to determine when saying “no feels appropriate for you. Getting comfortable with saying “no” can take time and it’s extremely normal for you to feel unsure or insecure for a while. As mentioned before, the more we practice saying “no” the more we can allow others to prove our fears wrong, and the easier and more natural it can feel to say it. 

If you are struggling with determining when you should say no, it might help to start noting all the times you wanted to say “no” but failed to. Write each scenario down along with why you wanted to say “no” and why you didn’t” You can use the "Struggling with No" worksheet listed under "Handouts." It can also help to determine what your boundaries and values are. It is easier to say “no” when you understand how your response impacts your predetermined values and beliefs. 

Examples of how to say “no" -  without really having to say it

Remember that “no” is a full sentence and you never owe anyone an explanation. However, because it can feel weird to say “no” at first, here are some ways you can practice getting the point across that you may feel more comfortable with. 

To plans:

•  “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make those plans. How about tomorrow?”

• “I am not really interested in seeing that movie. Let's pick something else.”

• “I need to spend the weekend taking care of myself. Raincheck?”

To responsibilities:

• “I really have too much on my plate right now and won’t be able to take on that task for you.”

• “This is something that I think you are better equipped to do than me.”

• “I do not have the energy to complete this for you the way that you deserve for it to be done.”

To emotions:

• “I don’t have the space to hold these emotions for you right now. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”

• “I’d rather not think negatively about those people. Let’s change the subject to something else for now. 

• “I understand that you’re really upset right now but it’s not okay to take it out on me in this way.”

Remember that it takes time and practice. Always be patient with yourself. Progress is not meant to be linear.